11/07/2015

John’s Series 12 – What is love?



Last week John’s English teacher told us that John could not finish writing his homework: “What is love?” as John seemed that he did not understand “love”.

I was quite surprised at this as we have loved John so much but he even did not know “love”? I thought about how to start the conversation with John and explain “what is love” to help him understand. As the only child in the family, my husband and I have devoted all our attention and love on him.

The English teacher reminded me that maybe Chinese parents seldom say, “I love you” to our child. I suddenly realized that it is true. I even haven’t heard that I was loved from my parents. Although I know that my parents love me so much.

I continued searching “love” in my mind for a while. Has my husband said he loves me? I counted and I don’t remember. Perhaps he said it to me not more than 3 times in the past 10+ years. Who said, “I love you” in my life? NO ONE else! But have I been LOVED? Of course! I can feel it from my husband, my parents, and my grandparents. They do love me a lot. They just seldom say that word “love” to me.

Then how to explain, “what is love” to John? I talked with John that night and asked John this question again. “When can you feel we love you?”

My John thought quite hard. Then he said: “ Maybe when you purchased a new gift for me?”

I smiled and said: “This is quite good. Is there any other time you can feel that we love you?”

He followed my question and thought about it again then he replied: “Maybe when you brought me to White Spot or Boston Pizza?”

Although I was a bit disappointed about the answer, I said to myself that it was normal. I don’t think I could have answered the question better than John if I was a kid as lots of the time, Chinese children can “feel” the love, but have not been told that their parents love them.

I tried to think about the things I have done as examples to show John that I love him so much.

Initially, I thought I would tell him this way. “John, one of the reasons I came to Canada was to let you have a better education. I left my first and my beloved company because of you. I also left my parents and family and came here alone for the first 3 years. I learnt how to cook nice and nutritious meals for you after I came to Canada. Before I came to Canada, I didn’t even know how to cook. I became an “expert” in children’s play activities and places in Vancouver because I wanted to bring you and your friends there to have a good time. I watched so many Children’s movies with you after I came to Vancouver two years ago. When you were away and on your first camp, I could not sleep well because I missed you so much...I love you so much and have done a lot for you. Can you feel it?..”

Soon I realized that I was wrong. I had used traditional Chinese parents thinking style on this topic. As a child, his theory is very simple; sometimes we adults cannot stay on the same simple page.

Before I shared John my story. John shared me a story he read before. He said that in the story, there is a mama bear and a baby bear. Everyday, mama bear said to the baby bear “I love you” before the baby bear went to sleep and kissed him good night. Baby bear has nice sleeps always. One night, mama bear was too busy and forgot to say, “I love you” to the baby bear. Then baby bear was sad and was upset before sleeping. He thought maybe he had done something wrong and mama bear did not love him anymore.

I told John that of course the mama bear loves the baby bear so much and she always will love him. Every mama in the world loves her child.


John said but the mama bear did not say that to baby bear, so he was sad.

Oh! What an obvious mistake I made!! I never thought about saying, “I love you” to my John. In my childhood and Chinese culture we don’t say I love you verbally to express our love often. Lots of times we implied “love” in lots of ways everyday.

When I was a child, if I thought about “love” from my parents, I may have felt the same way as John. Some deep memories in my mind were that my mother purchased me beautiful new clothes, shoes and accessories. My father purchased me chocolates and gifts from his business trips and sometimes we had family trips, and it was fun.

Where else could I feel love in my childhood? Was I hugged, kissed good night or told that I was loved? None of them, but was I loved? Of course! I could feel the deep love from my parents. I knew that they did so much for me just like I have done for John. I could sometimes feel that in the middle of the night, Mom came to my room and see if my quilt was on me. At that time we didn’t have a heater. Children could easily catch a cold in winter because they always kicked the quilts off during sleep. Traditional Chinese parents check several times whether their children were sleeping well or not. Even now, we have air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter, we still like to check on our children during the night to make sure they have their quilts on.

I remember that when I was sick, my mother cuddled me cozily in my bed and ran back and forth between the kitchen and my room. She made all sorts of delicious foods for me such as chicken soup, meat and mixed vegetable soup with rice. I sometimes hoped that I could be sick longer as I wouldn’t have to work on my homework. Fast forward, when John was sick, I did the same thing to him. I cooked easy-to-digest and homey food – fish congee, chicken soup, soft noodles or rice for him and accompanied him to sleep.

But how can John feel my love? It is so simple just like mama bear and baby bear.
Before John goes to bed, I hugged him and kissed him good night. I said “I love you, John.”

This is our new routine; John is very happy and he says “I love you too Mom.” And then I hug him and kiss him good night.

So although love is not that simple, we can make it simple to be felt. Just say “I love you” to our loved ones. Don’t imply it or make the other party guess it. Don’t make it complicated, just say “I love you”, the other party can immediately know.





11/01/2015

John’s series 11_ John’s first camping


After John came to Vancouver 2 years ago, I heard several times from my friends who are mothers about camping. In China, kids don’t go camping and we don’t have organizations to help kids develop their outdoor living skills such as Scouts.
Two years ago, a mother told us her daughter’s experiences and her daughter’s camping experience as a scout. It has been amazing to see her daughter becoming more independent and braver after joining in the Scouts activities.

Two months ago, we decided to join a Scout group, which is not far from where we live. I am very pleased that we made this decision and motivated John to become a cub member.

John is a boy who does not like to accept new things, not like me, who dares to jump in any new environment and take new challenges. When he was a toddler, it was quite hard to persuade him to wear his new pair of shoes because he always was comfortable with wearing his old pair of shoes more. We had to convince him that because the old shoes were too small for his growing feet, we needed to replace them.


Before joining the Scout team, I asked him whether he would like to try Scouts. He said no. Then I asked him whether he would like to try it if one of his friends would like to join, too. He hesitated for 3 seconds; then he said in a weak voice, “Maybe, possibly, I would like to have a try one day…”

That is John, who does not like to take challenges and try new things. He also thought Scouts is another class for him so he will have less time to play. I needed to change his opinion of Scouts.

After he went to Scouts for the first time, we asked him whether he would like to become a member. He said neither yes nor no; then we made the decision and registered him in the Scouts.

The second scout meeting was quite fun for John. The scout leader, who is also named John, took the kids to play golf swing on a golf practice court. My boy has become excited about the Scouts since then, and he started to like it more. During the golf break, I asked John if he would consider joining in the Scouts camping, which was 3 weeks away.

He was quite hesitant at that time. “John, please go camping. I will go, too.” His friend David said.

Then again, he neither said yes nor no; then I made the decision and registered him for the camping. In the next three days, I went shopping for the camping equipment and got him prepared for it.

Several days later, John started to feel uncertain about the camping trip. He told me,” Mom, I don’t want to go camping now.”

I encouraged him and said: “Why not? Several of your friends will go with you. I am quite sure that you will have a lot of fun.”

“I just don’t want to go. It will be scary and not fun. And I won’t feel good because you won’t be there. I will have to do lots of things myself.” John said.


Aha! That is one of the reasons for me to urge him to go camping. He has been a bit spoiled, especially by his grandmother. He is not independent. After the conversation, I asked Scout John to give him some confidence about camping. I told Scout John that my boy must feel unsafe because he did not have the experience of being independent.

Scout John said he quite understood it. He asked a girl to share her experience with my John. The little girl’s experience then was used as a testimonial for my John. My John was told that her camping trips were always great and fun.

After the conversation, John had lots of emotional ups and downs. He was still sometimes certain and sometimes uncertain about camping.

The day before the camping, John said:” Mom, I have too much homework to do for the weekend, so I can’t go camping now.”

I knew it was the uncertainties that made him feel uncomfortable. I told him that he was a cub now. A cub couldn’t break his promises like that. On the other hand, I checked that there was not special huge amount of homework for the weekend. He could handle it for sure.

As a matter of fact, on the day of the camp, I also felt nervous, as it was both John’s first camp and also mine. It’s the first time for me to have John stay outside for two nights and leave me at home.

That afternoon before camping, John and his friend, David, had an early dinner at my home. After dinner, David’s mother and I drove the two boys to the site where the Scouts and the cubs were gathering.

After John and his friends took one of the scout’s cars and left us, my mother-in-law and I went back home, I had a quick dinner, and then I worked on my final exam from my school.

When John was not at home, I found that the home was too quiet, that I even could not get used to it. When I saw his pair of slippers on the stairs, I even missed him more.

Is the camp indeed a practice for my boy or for myself? Before going to sleep, I tried to connect to John; I just wanted to see if he had arrived or not. (Later, other friends told me that it was not a good idea to have kids carry mobile devices, such a cellphone, or electronic devices to camp, as it will interrupt them.) I tried a lot of times, but I could not reach my boy. I felt lost and then I went to sleep.

Around midnight, I suddenly woke up and started to miss my boy again. I had a lot of questions in my mind, and I was wondering about lots of things regarding his camp. “Is he staying in a wooden house? How many kids are staying in one room? Are there bugs in the beds? Is there a washroom? Did John brush his teeth before sleep? ...”


I thought about lots of different questions, but I managed to fall asleep again and slept until almost 5am.

The 2 days when John was not home were extremely long for me. On the day of picking him up, I was quite excited and had several plans to reward him for his first try at camping.

I arrived early at the site where they left for camping; I saw another mother had arrived, too. We chatted and then after 20 minutes I saw a camping car coming back. I ran to the car and found that John was not there.

I was told by the driver that John should be in another car, which was still on its way.

Then I waited and waited until I saw John sitting in one of the cars with his friend David. I was very glad to see him again! I was so proud of him when I saw him carrying the heavy and giant backback, returning home with an expression of pride. Although his face was a bit dark, I hugged him and wanted to kiss his face.

John said I could not kiss his face because he hadn’t washed his face for 2 days!

That is my boy John –I sometimes tried hard to change some of his habits such as washing his face. Even at home, he only washes his face when he has a shower every night. He did not take baths for 2 days, so he would not wash his face either.

We were so glad to have him back. After going to Costco and purchasing a tiny Lego as a gift as promised. We had dinner in one of his most favorite restaurants- Whitespot. I asked him how was the camping? John replied with a big smile on his face:” The camp was wonderful and fun! I ate the most delicious pizza. I went mining and I found gold and diamonds. I also slept in a bunk bed in a bunkhouse with lots of friends. I wish I could have stayed longer! ”