"How to lose a guy in 10 days"

Lots of woman have dated and fallen in love in their lifetime. Sometimes a relationship ends but we do not why, or sometimes we just do not know why a romantic beginning cannot lead to a happy ending.

I watched a movie “How to lose a guy in 10 days” recently. It is a comedy, directed by Donald Petrie, starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. Although the film was produced in 2003, people still can learn something from it on what to avoid in a relationship .

Andie Anderson (Kate Hudson) is a writer who works for a fashion magazine called Composure, a popular magazine for females. Her dream is to write anything she has interest in, such as religion, politics, economy and poverty. Working for a woman’s fashion magazine make it  hard to make her dream come true. Her boss Lana tells her that one day she can write anything she likes after she has become a columnist Lana suggests to Andie to write a breakthrough article to help her to be famous.

Andie has a friend whose name is Michelle, who always has a short relationship and she loses those men soon after the first date. Andie is inspired by Michelle’s short love story .She tells her boss that she is going to write something on “how to lose a guy in 10 days” to educate women about how not to do stupid things to destroy a relationship.

On the other hand, the advertising executive Benjamin Barry (Matthew McConaughey) is competing with his rival colleagues Judy Spears and Judy Green on a big diamond advertisement business. In order to persuade his boss Robert Klein that he understands women so that he is qualified to take over the diamond advertisement project, Benjamin bets on making a woman fall in love with him in 10 days.

After Andie and Benjamin meet on a party, they find each other almost at the same time as their target for their hidden goal. Andie starts her experimental game on Benjamin .She tries to behave the way that men hate so that Ben is anxious to break up with her so that she can complete the article. On the other hand, Benjamin is trying his best to stick around no matter what Andie does in order to maintain the relationship. Ben wants to show to his boss and his rival colleagues that he wins Andie’s heart in 10 days.

In the film, Andie uses the women’s classic misbehaviors ,which lead to a bad relationship. What I learnt from the film are 5 rules to make a man dislike you:

Firstly, clingy behavior can scare men away.  Andie left 18 messages to Ben in 20 minutes to tell Ben what she is doing and where she is. I have seen some female friends become very sticky and needy after they fell in love. They thought that men were their whole world so everything in their lives was all about him. In fact, an independent woman is more charming than a dependent woman in men’s eyes. I have heard from a husband, who complained with us about his wife .He said his wife was like a baby since she liked to ask his opinion almost on everything. Otherwise ,she did not know what to wear before going to work without her husband’s opnion. In her husband’s eyes, she was too dependent and had no confidence.

Secondly, don’t try to control a man’s private life. Everyone needs some bubble space and privacy. It is said that the mystery of a sweet relationship is to keep some distance regardless how long the relationship has been. Both women and men need a break in a love relationship to hang with their friends. In the filim, Andie copied Ben’s key and went to Ben’s house when Ben and his gang were smoking cigars and playing poker. Ben’s friends felt very uneasy when they saw Andie suddenly open the door and come into the room. She even did not permit those guys to have cigars.She also ask them to eat her vegetarian sandwichs instead of having their own snack.

Thirdly, don’t be oversensitive. Andie sends Ben a plant and tells him to take care of the baby plant just like to take care of their relationship. When Andie sees the plant is dying she thinks Ben is reluctant to take care of the plant, which indicates that Ben does not think the relationship is important. Women like to use their imagination to link things which are actually not related to each other to make a judgment. But in fact , not many things are related in a way as women think. For example, my sister-in-law was very unhappy with my brother when she saw a message which was sent by a woman at midnight. She thought there was danger in her relationship and she cried. But in fact, the woman who sent the message was just a sales person who wanted to sell insurance to my brother.

Fourthly, don’t be over too aggressive in a new relationship. Andie invites Ben to sit beside her on the bed on the first night they met. Ben thinks it is too unnatural and too fast. He is not ready to get intimate with Andie on the first night they meet. Another time, Andie says that she wishes that she was not a vegetarian after Ben spent hours to prepare for a beef dinner.

Last but not least, don’t be too selfish and not care about man’s feelings. Ben was a fan of baseball but Andie kept asking him to buy her a coke during a baseball game. Ben wanted to watch a baseball game for the night, but Andie asked him to accompany her to watch Céline Dion’s concert. 

A good relationship is that people have compromise on daily life. Respecting and understanding each other is also the key.

Career in another country

It is quite common that successful people fail to find a job in another country after they immigrate. I have met with lots of people who were very successful in China, but they could not find a job -even an entry level one -in Canada.

Some of my friends were vice presidents in some Fortune 500 companies in China and they did very well in their career. They felt very frustrated that their decades of management experience from China got depreciated in another country. After 2 years of job searching after immigrating, one of my friends did not get any response after sending out hundreds of resumes. She then decided to try to apply for the administrative positions and lower her salary expectations although her title was a VP in China. However, she still heard back nothing from those companies.

Having difficulties to go back to work in another country, immigrants have to live in their own community most of the time. They have less chance to learn about the culture of the mainstream.

Once a friend told me a joke about an ESL class. One day the ESL teacher asked the students how to say “arrival“ and “departure” at an airport in English. Most of the students said they did not know. Then the teacher reminded them to think about how they communicate with their friends when they pick them up or see them off at an airport? Those students replied: “We just say the first floor or the second floor: the first floor is to pick up, the second floor is to see off.”

This is just a joke about people who live in this country but do not know much about this country, including the official language.

I went to a workshop, which was sponsored by the government after I moved to Vancouver. This workshop was to help people on job seeking. From there I learnt some job seeking skills and career culture. Firstly ,people who came from another country need to revise their resume such as the format. Chinese people put their genders and sometimes birthdates on resumes, which is quite different in Canada. Secondly, the format we had in China is to put education background first and work experience next. In Canada, we were told by teachers to put our personal highlights and career expectations first, followed by work experience, and lastly is education backgrounds. Finally, we need to polish the English writing on a resume. It’s not until we come to another country that we could realize that lots of English we have been using is not that perfect. In China we call it Chinglish –Chinese English -since English is not an official language in China -so lots of people mix it with Chinese especially as grammar is concerned.

After taking some job search workshops, people still find it is hard to land on a job. Why is that? Lots of Canadian companies like to hire people with Canadian experience. How can people who come from another country find their first job? Very few companies will grant new immigrants a chance to start their 1^st experience in a new country. As a result, although lots of immigrants are highly skilled, they still find hard and feel frustrated to find their 1^st job in Canada.

Why is it so hard for new immigrants to pursue or grow their career in another country?

In my opinion, three reasons contribute to the situation: language proficiency, level of confidence and cultural circle.

The level of language proficiency will give the hiring manager the 1^st impression during an interview. No matter how strong your background is, your English is the first impression that the hiring manager will have during an interview. Some requirements for occupations such as developers and accountants may just need working level English since not much verbal communication is required during working. However, for some other occupations such as sales or marketing, immigrants find it most difficult to find a job. Those occupations need people to have very proficient language skills since they will directly interact with customers or partners. Companies would rather hire a less skilled person who is born and raised in the country than a very skilled person who has accent and who sounds like they come from another country. Although it is said that immigrants are mostly hardworking people since they have a stronger desire to prove that they are good, companies will discard those immigrants with good capabilities in the first round of interviewing because of the level of their English proficiency instead of capability.

Level of confidence means how much confidence the hiring manager has in a candidate. The professional networking of immigrants is mostly in their homeland. Hiring managers do not know them regardless how outstanding they were in their home country. I have known lots of friends who have excellent reputations in their career in their homeland. However, since now few people know who they are, hiring managers usually have less confidence to hire them. Hiring managers even feel it’s a risk to hire those people who come from another country, which is quite unpleasant. Hiring managers perceives some difficulties on the hiring process then they are not going to choose that person. A person who has great working experience maybe a poor interviewee especially when he /she is interviewed not in his/her first language.

Cultural circle means that those new immigrants are not in the mainstream’s circle ,so few people will recommend them. The only way the immigrants do job searching is to apply when they find openings either from traditional newspapers or online job boards. But in fact, the most effective way of getting hired is to be referred either by friends in the hiring company or people who know the hiring manager. Being referred is like taking a shortcut. Their resumes will stand out of the resume piles, arrive directly onto the hiring manager’s desk. Sometimes professional networking is quite a small world. Having worked in one industry for some years will definitely lead you to have some friends. Knowing some people and getting hold of them to write a letter to refer will make it way easier to get a job. But those opportunities are not often for immigrants since they know very few people in a foreign country so they do not have many contacts.

My opinion to improve immigrant’s job seeking situation : firstly, go to a local school to study. One reason is to keep your knowledge up-to-date and increase your credibility in a foreign country . The other reason is that companies will feel more comfortable when they know the candidates are from a school they know. From going to school, you will also make new friends in your class. Secondly, involve yourselves into the main stream society by participating in some professional groups, such as toastmasters and industrial groups; as a result, you will not only have a better understanding of the local career culture but also know more professional people;  Last but not least, it is always important to keep language skills sharp and upgraded and learn more about the local culture. Having a language tutor, reading newspapers and watching local TV will make you not only understand more of the society but also can make it easier to build up a conversation with local people.

A busy mom's morning

“Ding Ling Ling…” the alarm rings at 7:30am in the morning, which indicates that my new day will begin from a busy morning.

Without waking up my boy so that he can sleep until 8, in 10 minutes I complete those steps : brushing my teeth, washing my face and doing some basic make-up after skincare steps. After changing clothes, I run downstairs to prepare breakfast and lunch for the family.

I take out the milk from the fridge, pour it into a small pot ,turn the gas on to heat the milk. Then I take out the frozen buns from the fridge and put them on a plate. To heat buns, I fetch another pot, fill it with cold water, and then put the plate into the pot ,turn on the fire to steam the buns.

On a third burner ,I put on a saucepan to cook for lunch. I turn the fire to heat the pan first, then I pour some oil into the pan. After the oil is heated ,I pour the minced seasoned meat into the pot to get sauted. After the meat is half done, I pour the meat into the original bowl. Then I add some oil into the saucepan, I put diced onion into the oil. Then I stir fry the onion. After two minutes, I turn the fire to small medium to cook slowly.

On the other side, I take out the sausage from the fridge and chop it on a board.

After the milk is warmed, I pour the warm milk into my boy’s cup. I take the sliced fruits from the fridge, put the fruit into a box and then into my boy’s lunch bag. I also put two small bags of snacks and a bottle of milk into the lunch bag.

After the onion is half cooked , I pour the minced meat back to the pan, stir fry the meat and onion together for 2 minutes. Then I add a bit of salt and powdered chicken broth into the pan. Then the dish is ready. Lastly, I get one bowl of cooked rice, which I have prepared last night and set the timer so that it will be freshly cooked the next morning. I mix the rice and the meat mixture together so that the rice will be very tasty because of the dish’s flavor.

After the breakfast is done and I put the lunch and snack in the lunch bag, I call my boy to get up and be prepared for a new fresh opening of the day.

Cultrual Difference

It is usually not until people start living in another country that  they could realize how big the cultural differences are. When Chinese people stay in their homeland-China, they notice that people who come from different countries not only speak in a different language but also think and behave differently.

For example ,it is the old Chinese people who like biking to work since there were very limited choice of public transportation 3 decades ago. In the 70’s, there were lots of bicyclists in the street. Along with the growth of the economy in the last 10 years, more and more people have private cars as their primary transportation. In addition to that, public transportation such as buses ,sky trains and subways have been greatly developed so that people can almost go everywhere in a city using public transportations

So when we see foreigners like biking instead of taking public transportation we think they are like our parents, who had no choice but biking to work. In fact the foreigners take biking as a lifestyle so that they can have some exercise on the way to work .

There are some other examples showing the difference of thinking or behaving ,too. Such as when having dining with foreigners please do remember that you do not order chicken feet ,any other’s kind of poultry’s feet or pork feet since they more enjoy seeing a big chunk of meat than a bird or a big’s part on a plate. Do not hold hand in hand with your best friend in front of foreigners, otherwise they would think you are a gay or lesbian , who chooses a homo sexual friend as your partner.

What I have just said is only the shallow impression we have of people –we call them foreigners when we stay in our homeland. Actually it is just a very limited and superficial impression from a limited angle , but the feeling is totally different after we move from our homeland and start living in those other countries –such as Canada, and we become “foreigners” in local people’s eyes.

More and more immigrants like to move their family abroad. Many of them have two reasons :one of the most popular reasons is that for the sake of child’s better education, lots of parents throw away their good job and good life in China and move to Canada. I am among such parents. I would like to say that those parents are really brave and sacrificial. Another reason is that people like to take some adventures, change to a different life style, pursue a different life and career in another country.

In fact, due to the requirements of immigrating, most of the people who can successfully immigrate to Canada from another country are middle class or above people in their homeland. Fifteen years ago, only people who had most cutting edge technical skills or outstanding talents could meet the qualification of applying for technical immigration. They should also have command of good  English speaking and listening skills. In China, people who have those abilities are at least middle class people since only well-educated people can understand English well.

However, in the last 5 years, Canadian government has welcomed Investors as Immigrants ,so lots of those new immigrants are rich people in China.

Living in another country is a totally different feeling when Chinese immigrants are regarded by local people as “foreigners”.

Firstly, Chinese people are regarded as “bad drivers” in town. When travelers go to China ,lots of them are surprised by the way Chinese drivers drive in the street. Having 1.3 billion population, with more than 51% living in cities, the traffic in those first tier cities such as Guangzhou, Beijing and Shanghai is extremely busy. For example, Guangzhou, the center of Southern China, has over 20 million people on its 7263 square kilometers of land, while Vancouver ,the densest city in Canada ,has 0.2 million people living on its 2930 square kilometers. Let’s calculate it , Guangzhou’s density is almost 20 times that of Vancouver.

As China is still a developing country, people are not evenly educated or trained. Some people from villages may only finish education in an elementary school  or a bit of high school before they come to cities to work.Others groups obtain advanced degrees such as Masters or Doctors from western countries.

Well-educated people, especially those who had been living in developed countries for years, usually have a better manner than people who had not. Having private cars has only become prevalent in China in the last 15 years ,so those drivers are new comparing with those in western countries. As a result, drivers and pedestrians tend to take some risks when they think they can break the rules to arrive their destination faster and not be fined. For example, pedestrians like to across the street although the light is red, since they think the traffic is not coming that soon. Drivers will take U-turn on intersections, which is not permitted, so that they do not need to drive two more blocks to take one. When the traffic light is off because of a power outtage, there is no common sense for drivers to stop and take turns to cross the street.

Secondly, Chinese people are regarded as “cold face” or not friendly when walking in the street. The social background is that especially recently, Chinese people have a very high sense of awareness to strangers in the street. There have been several news reports about people getting sued after they help assisting an elderly who had fallen. There are some cases where little children especially boys are stolen by those human trafficker in children. So people are very cautious about strangers since they cannot differentiate whether they are good people or they are cheaters.

Thirdly, lots of Chinese people are in some degree superstitious in Chinese tradition. Lots of people believe red color brings good luck to the family. Fengshui is very important in choosing a house or decorating the house. Before getting married, some people like to go to fortunetellers and check with them if they can be good together. Yesterday I went to the school teacher’s office, I was very surprised that he has lots of white flowers made from toilet paper in his office .In China, white or black flowers are only for people who have lost their family in and after a funeral. It will be considered to bring bad luck if somebody sends white or black flower to others.

Last but not least, Chinese people, along with some other Asian people, they are collectivist, not like people in most western countries, where people are more individualist. As collectivists, Chinese people like to have a big extended family. Although young couples are now more likely to live by themselves , they will live close to their parents or even grand parents. They like to have more family reunions. Some grownup children like to have dinner with their parents everyday. After those children become parents, they sometimes hire workers for their parents, then bring their kids to go to their parents’ home to have dinner. Take my grandmother’s family for example, she has 7 children, 10 grandchildren and some great-grandchildren, they always have big family reunions on weekends, small family reunions on weekdays. So elders will not feel lonely after their children have grown up. My grandma is always busy knitting sweaters for her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren in her whole life.

My last two cents is that, every culture has its own characteristics, there is no right or wrong in different cultures. But remember the old Chinese saying that “when you go to a different place, you must respect their local cultures” .By doing this, people will have a more peaceful life while living in a different culture.