John’s Series 12 – What is love?

Last week John’s English teacher told us that John could not finish writing his homework: “What is love?” as John seemed that he did not understand “love”.

I was quite surprised at this as we have loved John so much but he even did not know “love”? I thought about how to start the conversation with John and explain “what is love” to help him understand. As the only child in the family, my husband and I have devoted all our attention and love on him.

The English teacher reminded me that maybe Chinese parents seldom say, “I love you” to our child. I suddenly realized that it is true. I even haven’t heard that I was loved from my parents. Although I know that my parents love me so much.

I continued searching “love” in my mind for a while. Has my husband said he loves me? I counted and I don’t remember. Perhaps he said it to me not more than 3 times in the past 10+ years. Who said, “I love you” in my life? NO ONE else! But have I been LOVED? Of course! I can feel it from my husband, my parents, and my grandparents. They do love me a lot. They just seldom say that word “love” to me.

Then how to explain, “what is love” to John? I talked with John that night and asked John this question again. “When can you feel we love you?”

My John thought quite hard. Then he said: “ Maybe when you purchased a new gift for me?”

I smiled and said: “This is quite good. Is there any other time you can feel that we love you?”

He followed my question and thought about it again then he replied: “Maybe when you brought me to White Spot or Boston Pizza?”

Although I was a bit disappointed about the answer, I said to myself that it was normal. I don’t think I could have answered the question better than John if I was a kid as lots of the time, Chinese children can “feel” the love, but have not been told that their parents love them.

I tried to think about the things I have done as examples to show John that I love him so much.

Initially, I thought I would tell him this way. “John, one of the reasons I came to Canada was to let you have a better education. I left my first and my beloved company because of you. I also left my parents and family and came here alone for the first 3 years. I learnt how to cook nice and nutritious meals for you after I came to Canada. Before I came to Canada, I didn’t even know how to cook. I became an “expert” in children’s play activities and places in Vancouver because I wanted to bring you and your friends there to have a good time. I watched so many Children’s movies with you after I came to Vancouver two years ago. When you were away and on your first camp, I could not sleep well because I missed you so much...I love you so much and have done a lot for you. Can you feel it?..”

Soon I realized that I was wrong. I had used traditional Chinese parents thinking style on this topic. As a child, his theory is very simple; sometimes we adults cannot stay on the same simple page.

Before I shared John my story. John shared me a story he read before. He said that in the story, there is a mama bear and a baby bear. Everyday, mama bear said to the baby bear “I love you” before the baby bear went to sleep and kissed him good night. Baby bear has nice sleeps always. One night, mama bear was too busy and forgot to say, “I love you” to the baby bear. Then baby bear was sad and was upset before sleeping. He thought maybe he had done something wrong and mama bear did not love him anymore.

I told John that of course the mama bear loves the baby bear so much and she always will love him. Every mama in the world loves her child.

John said but the mama bear did not say that to baby bear, so he was sad.

Oh! What an obvious mistake I made!! I never thought about saying, “I love you” to my John. In my childhood and Chinese culture we don’t say I love you verbally to express our love often. Lots of times we implied “love” in lots of ways everyday.

When I was a child, if I thought about “love” from my parents, I may have felt the same way as John. Some deep memories in my mind were that my mother purchased me beautiful new clothes, shoes and accessories. My father purchased me chocolates and gifts from his business trips and sometimes we had family trips, and it was fun.

Where else could I feel love in my childhood? Was I hugged, kissed good night or told that I was loved? None of them, but was I loved? Of course! I could feel the deep love from my parents. I knew that they did so much for me just like I have done for John. I could sometimes feel that in the middle of the night, Mom came to my room and see if my quilt was on me. At that time we didn’t have a heater. Children could easily catch a cold in winter because they always kicked the quilts off during sleep. Traditional Chinese parents check several times whether their children were sleeping well or not. Even now, we have air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter, we still like to check on our children during the night to make sure they have their quilts on.

I remember that when I was sick, my mother cuddled me cozily in my bed and ran back and forth between the kitchen and my room. She made all sorts of delicious foods for me such as chicken soup, meat and mixed vegetable soup with rice. I sometimes hoped that I could be sick longer as I wouldn’t have to work on my homework. Fast forward, when John was sick, I did the same thing to him. I cooked easy-to-digest and homey food – fish congee, chicken soup, soft noodles or rice for him and accompanied him to sleep.

But how can John feel my love? It is so simple just like mama bear and baby bear.

Before John goes to bed, I hugged him and kissed him good night. I said “I love you, John.”

This is our new routine; John is very happy and he says “I love you too Mom.” And then I hug him and kiss him good night.

So although love is not that simple, we can make it simple to be felt. Just say “I love you” to our loved ones. Don’t imply it or make the other party guess it. Don’t make it complicated, just say “I love you”, the other party can immediately know.

John’s series 11_ John’s first camping

After John came to Vancouver 2 years ago, I heard several times from my friends who are mothers about camping. In China, kids don’t go camping and we don’t have organizations to help kids develop their outdoor living skills such as Scouts.

Two years ago, a mother told us her daughter’s experiences and her daughter’s camping experience as a scout. It has been amazing to see her daughter becoming more independent and braver after joining in the Scouts activities.

Two months ago, we decided to join a Scout group, which is not far from where we live. I am very pleased that we made this decision and motivated John to become a cub member.

John is a boy who does not like to accept new things, not like me, who dares to jump in any new environment and take new challenges. When he was a toddler, it was quite hard to persuade him to wear his new pair of shoes because he always was comfortable with wearing his old pair of shoes more. We had to convince him that because the old shoes were too small for his growing feet, we needed to replace them.

Before joining the Scout team, I asked him whether he would like to try Scouts. He said no. Then I asked him whether he would like to try it if one of his friends would like to join, too. He hesitated for 3 seconds; then he said in a weak voice, “Maybe, possibly, I would like to have a try one day…”

That is John, who does not like to take challenges and try new things. He also thought Scouts is another class for him so he will have less time to play. I needed to change his opinion of Scouts.

After he went to Scouts for the first time, we asked him whether he would like to become a member. He said neither yes nor no; then we made the decision and registered him in the Scouts.

The second scout meeting was quite fun for John. The scout leader, who is also named John, took the kids to play golf swing on a golf practice court. My boy has become excited about the Scouts since then, and he started to like it more. During the golf break, I asked John if he would consider joining in the Scouts camping, which was 3 weeks away.

He was quite hesitant at that time. “John, please go camping. I will go, too.” His friend David said.

Then again, he neither said yes nor no; then I made the decision and registered him for the camping. In the next three days, I went shopping for the camping equipment and got him prepared for it.

Several days later, John started to feel uncertain about the camping trip. He told me,” Mom, I don’t want to go camping now.”

I encouraged him and said: “Why not? Several of your friends will go with you. I am quite sure that you will have a lot of fun.”

“I just don’t want to go. It will be scary and not fun. And I won’t feel good because you won’t be there. I will have to do lots of things myself.” John said.

Aha! That is one of the reasons for me to urge him to go camping. He has been a bit spoiled, especially by his grandmother. He is not independent. After the conversation, I asked Scout John to give him some confidence about camping. I told Scout John that my boy must feel unsafe because he did not have the experience of being independent.

Scout John said he quite understood it. He asked a girl to share her experience with my John. The little girl’s experience then was used as a testimonial for my John. My John was told that her camping trips were always great and fun.

After the conversation, John had lots of emotional ups and downs. He was still sometimes certain and sometimes uncertain about camping.

The day before the camping, John said:” Mom, I have too much homework to do for the weekend, so I can’t go camping now.”

I knew it was the uncertainties that made him feel uncomfortable. I told him that he was a cub now. A cub couldn’t break his promises like that. On the other hand, I checked that there was not special huge amount of homework for the weekend. He could handle it for sure.

As a matter of fact, on the day of the camp, I also felt nervous, as it was both John’s first camp and also mine. It’s the first time for me to have John stay outside for two nights and leave me at home.

That afternoon before camping, John and his friend, David, had an early dinner at my home. After dinner, David’s mother and I drove the two boys to the site where the Scouts and the cubs were gathering.

After John and his friends took one of the scout’s cars and left us, my mother-in-law and I went back home, I had a quick dinner, and then I worked on my final exam from my school.

When John was not at home, I found that the home was too quiet, that I even could not get used to it. When I saw his pair of slippers on the stairs, I even missed him more.

Is the camp indeed a practice for my boy or for myself? Before going to sleep, I tried to connect to John; I just wanted to see if he had arrived or not. (Later, other friends told me that it was not a good idea to have kids carry mobile devices, such a cellphone, or electronic devices to camp, as it will interrupt them.) I tried a lot of times, but I could not reach my boy. I felt lost and then I went to sleep.

Around midnight, I suddenly woke up and started to miss my boy again. I had a lot of questions in my mind, and I was wondering about lots of things regarding his camp. “Is he staying in a wooden house? How many kids are staying in one room? Are there bugs in the beds? Is there a washroom? Did John brush his teeth before sleep? ...”

I thought about lots of different questions, but I managed to fall asleep again and slept until almost 5am.

The 2 days when John was not home were extremely long for me. On the day of picking him up, I was quite excited and had several plans to reward him for his first try at camping.

I arrived early at the site where they left for camping; I saw another mother had arrived, too. We chatted and then after 20 minutes I saw a camping car coming back. I ran to the car and found that John was not there.

I was told by the driver that John should be in another car, which was still on its way.

Then I waited and waited until I saw John sitting in one of the cars with his friend David. I was very glad to see him again! I was so proud of him when I saw him carrying the heavy and giant backback, returning home with an expression of pride. Although his face was a bit dark, I hugged him and wanted to kiss his face.

John said I could not kiss his face because he hadn’t washed his face for 2 days!

That is my boy John –I sometimes tried hard to change some of his habits such as washing his face. Even at home, he only washes his face when he has a shower every night. He did not take baths for 2 days, so he would not wash his face either.

We were so glad to have him back. After going to Costco and purchasing a tiny Lego as a gift as promised. We had dinner in one of his most favorite restaurants- Whitespot. I asked him how was the camping? John replied with a big smile on his face:” The camp was wonderful and fun! I ate the most delicious pizza. I went mining and I found gold and diamonds. I also slept in a bunk bed in a bunkhouse with lots of friends. I wish I could have stayed longer! ”

Take a break!

 Every one of my friends says that I am too busy all the time. I am a mother, who works full time, and studies at night. I go to toastmasters every month; I am the VP PR of my toastmasters club; I take a writing class; I cook 3 Chinese dishes and 1 soup for dinner for my family. In addition to those fixed activities that are listed above, I continuously add new tasks to my routine. Last week I subscribed to the Harvard Business Review, so I will read the business news before going to sleep. Recently I have also been considering learning a type of graphic design software named InDesign.

When I look at my calendar, there is almost no break in my daily life. Various tasks sit on my calendar. My typical working day is that after I get up at 7am, I cook breakfast for my family, drive to work at 8 and work there from 9-5; I go to school after work on Monday and Wednesday and take the course from 6-9:30pm; then I head home; I continue reading materials or working on the assignments from school; I take a shower at 12am. Then a typical day is done. On the days when I don’t go to school, I go home at 5; I cook dinner, do cleaning, engage with my son by doing some activities together; before 9, I remind him to go to bed after showering; then I hug him and say good night. After he goes to bed, I quickly slip into the study room, work on my computer on various tasks, and then I take a shower and head to bed at 12am.  Another day is done.

What does my weekend look like? I also have a busy schedule. I get up at 8 or 9 on weekends. After preparing the breakfast and eating the breakfast, I will drive my son to his various afterschool courses, such as piano class, drawing class, Chinese class, etc. one after another; I go to do grocery shopping when he is in class. On Sunday, I will arrange all kinds of playdays for my son. For example, we went to a farm which is 80km away to pick apples, corn and pumpkins. This week, we have several Thanksgiving gatherings, and the purpose is to let my kid play with his friends.

In summary, I am wearing a lot of hats, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a staff member, a cook, a driver, a cleaner, a MBA Candidate, a VP PR of my club, a self-learner and best a girl friend to my female friends.  My girl friends can reach me and ask for suggestions or opinions on things they care about; I am also a social media person. I have multiple social media accounts, including Chinese wechat, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, What’s up… I always believe that I am a multi-task person and I am good at it.

I have just gotten used to the fast-paced rhythm, so I have neglected lots of things in my life. One day, my friend asked me: “Did you see the beautiful rainbow yesterday? “ I replied to her: ““Where and when was the rainbow? I did not see anything yesterday.” My friend joked with me and she said, “You are just too busy and you missed lots of beautiful sceneries in your life. You told me that you sit beside several big windows at work but you can’t see the rainbow outside of the window. The rainbow lasted for a while; we took lots of pictures.”

Really? Suddenly I was struck by my friend’s joke and my brain paused. I felt dizzy for a while as I was not used to a break. After 2 minutes, I decided to go to a fitness club after work. I needed to take a break.

On my way to the fitness club, my brain was still working. I thought about the campaigns which were to be launched next week. And my friends are visiting us from China, so I will arrange a gathering and make a reservation at a nice restaurant. And the most upcoming question was what to cook for tonight’s dinner? “

After I arrived at the fitness club, I looked at my watch and realized that I had only 35 minutes in total.  I would go home to cook dinner after the exercise. After changing clothes, I went to the sports area and noticed there was one empty treadmill. I went directly to the treadmill; I stepped on it and was planning to take a 30 minute jog.

Once I stepped on the treadmill, I suddenly lost control and I fell over on it. I immediately realized that the treadmill was still running at speed 3! Several people ran to me and helped me to get up. They asked me: “Are you OK?”

I felt dizzy and I said: “I am fine.” But was I fine?

I went to the washroom to check myself. My teeth were bleeding a bit, my mouth was hurt and I felt pain in my mouth; my face became puffy and blue. I had bruises all over the lower half of my body. I had bruises on my thighs, calves, waist and ankles. What was wrong with me?

That night, I did not go to my study room and log into my computer as usual. After showering, I put an ice bag on my bruises. I did not look at my mobile phone or my iPad to check my social media messages from my friends, instead I lay on the bed and turn on the CD and played light soothing music.

I did not think about tomorrow’s tasks and the to do list. I called my mother and talked with her for half an hour. Before when I called her, I was always impatient in listening to her gossip. After several minutes, if nothing was urgent and important –according to my definition and priorities, I would bring the conversation to an end and hang up. That night, I was very patient. I was not rushing to hang up the phone on our conversation and was not eager to go to my study room to sit at my computer. I felt peaceful. My mom said how long ago did I talk with her like that last time?

After the conversation with my mom, I went to my kid’s room. I looked at my sweet and peaceful angel’s face. Everything was so quiet. I did enjoy the moment of slowness and quietness so much.

Then I pulled out my foot spa, which I haven’t used for almost a year, poured in the water and plugged it in. I soaked my feet in the foot spa bucket, let the warm water wrap around my two cold feet. My whole body got relaxed and my tension got relieved. I took an old book which I had read several years ago. I did not want to inject new stuff into my brain and make it busy. I just wanted to repeat doing simple things and taking a real break.

At that time, I saw the new towel hanger installed on the wall by my husband. I did not even notice. When did he install it? I went to the bedroom and looked at my husband, who was resting on a cushion, looking at his phone. I asked: “Do you want to have a chat? The phone’s screen is not good for your eyes.” He put down the phone and we just relaxed on the big cushion and talked. We talked about our first date, and the memories about some vacations and about the first day John was born. We talked about lots of things. That night, I did have a great sleep without any dreams. I felt so peaceful for taking a break.

After that, I realized that from time to time, we need a break. We need to escape to a tropical beach with a gentle breeze. That’s why we have weekends and vacation days. A break not only drives the tiredness away and relaxes the mind, but it also brings us back to the peaceful side of human nature which we should learn to enjoy.

John’s series 10 _ Sometimes John does not hate shopping

 Sometimes I wish I could have a girl, who could understand women’s behavior and thinking, as well as understand women’s shopping habits. But John is my only child, who seems never to understand that lots of women like shopping and why women like shopping.

One day I told him that we needed to do some shopping that night. I would have liked to purchase a pair of new shoes for him due to his feet having outgrown his current shoes. In addition, I would have liked do a bit of shopping for myself as my facial cleanser and perfume were almost used up. On the way to the shopping mall, I had explained to him that we would go to the mall and stay in the mall for probably 45 minutes because we needed to purchase those. I also told him that I would buy him a Papa Beard cream puff as a reward if he behaved well. As his mother, I know he is not always patient while shopping so I communicated with him and set his expectations beforehand.

After we arrived at the shopping mall, we headed to the shoe shop. I was hoping we could purchase his shoes, my facial cleanser and the perfume as planned. After we arrived at the mall, I quite enjoyed the window-shopping. I haven’t done any shopping in a mall in the last 2-3 months except in the grocery store. I always think shopping can give me a sense of relaxation and pleasure. After we arrived at the shoe shop, in less than 3 minutes, John bowed down; then he said he was not feeling well. I was worried about him. I thought he might have caught the flu as I heard that some kids had caught the flu in his school recently. It might be flu season.

We quickly left the shop. I found a chair nearby. I asked him to take a sit and have a rest. After two minutes, he behaved normally. Then he noticed there was a Toys R Us at the left corner of the mall, his face suddenly glowed with excitement. He asked me: “Mom, can we go to the Toys R Us?”

I had a big question mark in my mind and I asked: “John, are you feeling OK now?” John said: “Yes, Mom, I am very good.”

During the 30 minutes’ shopping in the Toys R Us, he behaved very patiently. He was excited and interested in lots of toys. We finished purchasing a small Lego and then we went back home. We did not go back to the mall to purchase his shoes and my stuff that night.

Eventually I did online shopping and purchased the stuff from Amazon.ca.

This May, our family went to Hawaii to have a vacation. My husband and I were celebrating our wedding anniversary, as well as my upcoming birthday. After we spent lots of time sightseeing, swimming, taking tours and enjoying the delicious local food, I said I would like to go to a mall to do some shopping.

John looked at me and said: “Can you finish shopping in 5 minutes?” I shook my head and said:” John, five minutes is too short. I even cannot walk from the entrance to the shop I want to browse.”

He then said: “How about 10 minutes, Mom?”

I shook my head again, he said:” 15 minutes?”

I shook my head again; he thought about it seriously and spoke with a determined voice:” OK, Mom. You can shop there for 30 minutes.”

I asked my husband and John to have some ice-cream nearby; then I went into the shopping mall, I hoped they could eat the ice-cream slowly, or purchase more ice-creams.

After around 20 minutes, I received a text message. It was my boy.  He said: “Mom, we finished eating the ice-cream. Where are you? Can we go swimming now?”

Another time, we went to Bellingham. We planned to pick up a parcel, have a buffet, fill up with gas and do a bit of shopping. After we stepped into a shopping mall, I asked my husband and John to go to the boy’s and men’s section as my husband wanted to purchase something for John and himself.

But to my sadness, John followed me to the women’s section. When I was browsing women’s shoes, he said “Mom, Daddy said you had a lot of shoes already. You are not supposed to purchase any new shoes.”

Then I went to the women’s clothing section. John said again: “Mom, Daddy said you had too many clothes. You are not supposed to purchase any new clothes until you outgrow them; then you need new clothes.”

I told him: “John, you don’t need to accompany me. You should go with your dad and choose your clothes and shoes in the boy’s and men’s section.”

John said: “No Mom, I don’t need any clothes and shoes. I just feel that it’s too boring to shop here. And it is a waste of my time.”

After the 3 stories, I realized that the first time he was not sick in the shopping mall .He was just not interested in shopping for clothing. It seems that he cannot understand how enjoyable it is for me to do some shopping. He is only interested in shopping for toys but nothing else.

However, I changed my mind again after we went to Seattle last weekend.

We went to Seattle to visit our friends with another family and stayed in Seattle one night.

On the second day, after we had dinner in a buffet we were planning to head back to Vancouver. Since it was quite early to go back home, my friend and I thought we still had time to do some shopping. Then we went to a shopping mall nearby with our friend’s family.

It was a big shopping mall with lots of clothes. To my surprise, this time John was very patient in accompanying his best friends – J Y, who is a 9 year old girl. They have been friends for 3 years. Both of them think of each other as their BFF (best-friend-forever).

We spent almost 1 hour in the mall. I noticed that during the hour, John was very patient holding the shopping cart and following JY all the time.

After we finished shopping in this mall, we headed to another mall which was very close. The second mall was another big shopping mall which sold clothing, bedding, gifts and lots of stuff except toys.

The girl JY was quite happy about the continued shopping. How about my John? He behaved like a young gentleman. All the time, he held the shopping cart, followed his friend and assisted his friend to do the shopping.

“John, can you grab me a size 9 for this skirt? This is too small.” JY said to John.

“Sure, I will be there in a minute.” Quickly John ran away to pick the size for his friend.

“John, do you think this T-shirt looks good on me? Or can you pick something else for me?” JY said to John.

“Humph, it looks perfect. I can pick another one for you.” John said immediately.

That day, John was the best shopping companion ever. I could not believe it was John. Did he hate shopping? What a perfect shopping companion John was to his friend. He even had absolutely no complains about shopping that day!

His friend influenced him so much. That day he brought his Qiaohu –his best-stuffed buddy since he was a year old, on the trip, because his friend JY usually brought her Momo- her best stuffed buddy.

When we arrived at home, he woke up from sleep. Suddenly he realized something; he panicked and cried: “I left my Qiaohu in the shopping cart!”

After we calmed him down and asked him which shopping cart his Qiaohu was left in, John said it should be in the 2^nd mall’s shopping cart. He had hoped his Qiaohu could enjoy some shopping as he did!

After, we finally found his Qiaohu in our bag. He became relieved and hugged his Qiaohu just like a little dad, as his friend JY treated his Momo just like a little mom.

See how much John was influenced by his friend?